This book helps you understand the five love languages of teenagers, so that you may effectively meet your adolescentās need for love, and so be able to support your child in all areas of life. Contrary to what you may expect, research shows that parents and not peers have the greatest impact on a teenagers life. Adolescents need to be loved differently than pre-teen children and in this book you can discover why, and how to cope with this challenge.
In the first chapter, Gary Chapman focuses on āWhat is a Teenager?ā The teenagers today are much like teenagers in the past. They actively search for their identity while trying to establish their independence from their parents. In the meantime they face many physical and mental changes. This is a very challenging time of their life. However teenagers today face five fundamental differences from the teenager of the early 1900s. Chapman lists them as follows:
- Technology
- Knowledge of and exposure to violence
- The fragmented family
- Knowledge of and exposure to sexuality
- Neutral moral and religious values.
But after discussing these changes, Chapman comes to the conclusion that parentsĀ canĀ make a difference and guide their teens through this challenging time.
Chapter two shows how parental love is the basic, most important need of a teen. When teens are secure in the love of parents they will have confidence to face the negative influences in our culture that could keep them from becoming mature productive adults. Nothing is more important, than that the parents learn, how to effectively meet the teenās emotional need for love. When the teenagerās love tank is empty, he feels that āno one really cares about meā. The most basic need is: feeling loved.
āChildren develop best when they are provided the opportunity to have warm, intimate, continuous and enduring relationships, with both their fathers and their mothers.ā
What is the greatest commandment? To love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and all your strength, and to love your neighbour as yourself. The teenager is your nearest neighbour in your house.
Chapters 3 ā 7
These chapters will introduce you to the five basic love languages, the five most effective ways to fill the emotional love tank of your teenager. The languages are:
- words of affirmation
- physical touch
- quality time
- acts of service
- gifts
The author takes each love language on its own and gives real life examples of teenagers who have an empty love tank, so that they feel rejected rather than loved and find it extremely difficult to discuss differences without resorting to arguments and slander.
The teenager who thrives onĀ words of affirmationĀ suffers the most from the condemning, negative and harsh words of parents. Teenagers are struggling with self-identity, are insecure, have little self-esteem and blame them-selves. This is the time of life when they most need affirming words.
The author provides strategies to deal with your teenager to build up a positive healthy relationship.
Those who thrive onĀ physical touchĀ as children will still do so as teenagers. Gary Chapman gives advice about appropriate ways and times for touching, but also about inappropriate physical touching.
Quality timeĀ is important for all teenagers and in chapter five Chapman gives a list of guidelines for quality conversation. He also gives ideas for improving relationships, learning to talk in an up-building way, quality activities and the right environment for quality time. He also considers the question why some teens refuse to talk.
Acts of serviceĀ is a powerful love language. Parenting involves many acts of service but it is important that the acts are done with love. Teenagers will detect if things are done to get them āoff your backā. Manipulation is not love and service must be freely given.
The fifth love language is that ofĀ gifts. Chapman discusses what makes a gift a gift, materialism, private and treasured gifts and counterfeit gifts. If this is the teenagerās love language it is important that the gift is given with ceremony, with no conditions attached, with physical touch and affirming words.
Chapter eight deals with discovering your teenagerās primary love language and understanding that it hasnāt changed in the transition from childhood to adolescence, but that the dialect of the language may have changed. Furthermore, a teenager is going through a period of rapid change, change in attitude, in emotions, in moods, in likes and dislikes, and may fluctuate from one day to another. In this situation it is beneficial for parents to speak all five love languages, while continuing to emphasize the primary love language.
In the chapters nine and ten, love and anger are dealt with. First with respect to the parents and then with respect to the teens. The parents need to learn to manage their anger, and then they must learn practical ways of helping their teens. They must listen to their angry teen and this is a difficult task. They must also evaluate why their teen has withdrawn into silence. Sometimes a confession of wrong needs to be made. Good advice given by the author may help to restore an unhealthy relationship.
Love and independence, and love and responsibility, are two teen issues dealt with in chapters eleven and twelve. Parents must allow their teens to develop both independence and responsibility. In chapter thirteen Chapman gives strategies of dealing in love with your teen during times when he fails. It is then important for the parent to do theĀ rightĀ thing when their teen does theĀ wrongĀ thing.
Finally Chapman deals with the love languages in the single parent family, and in the blended family, giving important guidelines to these challenges in modern living. The aim is for healthy family relationships, and much can be done by those who are willing to love and learn.
An epilogue explains the motivation of the author for producing this book ā āto give practical help to sincere parents who genuinely want their teenagers to feel loved.ā p250