The book is divided into two sections:
Part One: Foundations for Biblical Child-rearing
Part Two: Shepherding through the Stages of Childhood.
PART ONE: FOUNDATIONS FOR BIBLICAL CHILD-REARING
Chapter 1 – Getting to the heart of behaviour
A child’s behaviour reflects what’s in his heart. Therefore discipline must address attitudes of the heart.
Chapter 2 – Your Child’s Development: Shaping Influences
This chapter which describes how family roles, values, structure, conflict resolution, response to failure and family history all play a role in the make-up of a child but yet details that it is an error to assume that the child is a helpless victim of the circumstances in which he was raised.
Chapter 3 – Your Child’s Development: Godward Orientation
Whatever the shaping influences of life, it is the child’s Godward orientation that determines his response to those shaping influences. A child is never neutral towards God. Parenting cannot be concerned only with positive shaping influences, it must shepherd the heart of the child.
Chapter 4 – You’re in Charge
Our culture does not like authority. It is not just that we don’t like to be under authority, we don’t like being authorities. This chapter reminds us that we may not try to shape the lives of our children as pleases us, but as pleases God. We as parents are God’s agents. We must never discipline in anger or discipline to fulfil our own agenda or discipline because your child is being an embarrassment or an irritation to you. But we must discipline. Discipline as positive instruction rather than negative punishment does not rule out consequences or outcomes to behaviour. It is designed to produce growth, not pain.
Chapter 5: Examining your Goals
This chapter asks the question “what is the biblical definition of success?” It gives an example of a family who read the Bible and prayed every day. But in family living and family values there was no connection between the family worship routine and life. It concludes by saying that as valuable as family worship is, it is no substitute for true spirituality. This chapter also has a section on well-behaved children, cultural influences and sending mixed signals.
Chapter 6 – Re-working your Goals
We must teach our children to trust God not only for salvation, but for daily living. Faith is not just the way to get saved, it is the lifeline of Christian living. Daily family worship is not the goal – it is the means used to achieve the goal of knowing God.
Chapter 7 – Discarding Unbiblical Methods
This chapter teaches us that “many parents unquestioningly employ whatever method their parents employed because “I didn’t turn out so bad!””. It also warns about the following types of discipline: rewards, bribes, emotionalism, disciplining in anger and erratic discipline (not being consistent). All these methods lead to superficial parenting, and not shepherding the actual heart of our child.
Chapter 8 – Embracing Biblical Methods – Communication
A biblical approach to children involves two elements that you weave together. One element is rich, full communication. The other is the rod. This chapter points out that what is important in correction is not venting your feelings, anger or hurt; but rather it is understanding the nature of the struggle that your child is having.
Chapter 9 – Embracing Biblical Methods – Types of Communication
Your communication with your children will take many forms, including encouragement, correction, rebuke, entreaty, instruction, warning, teaching, admonition, prayer, showing the “benefits”, obedience. This chapter goes through each of these types of communication in detail.
Chapter 10 – Embracing Biblical Methods – A Life of Communication
The best way you can train your children to be active listeners is by actively listening to them! You must avoid the temptation to chase unimportant matters. A wise parent talks when the child is in the mood. You must be able to acknowledge your own sins to your child. This chapter urges parents to be great communicators with their children and gives the reminder that we cannot go back and raise our children over again.
Chapter 11 – Embracing Biblical Methods – The Rod
Proverbs 22:15 reads “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him”. Here Tripp deals with the issue of physical punishment head on, and reiterates strongly that discipline should never be done in anger. The chapter asks “Will the child live under the authority of God and therefore the authority of his parents, or under his own authority – driven by his wants and passions?” It discusses common objections to the rod. It ends with stating that permissive parents tend to lack firmness and authoritarian parents kindness. It encourages us to strive for balance.
Chapter 12 – Embracing Biblical Methods – Appeal to the Conscience
To whom does your child feel accountable when he sins? To his parents? To God? To both? Sinners who come to Jesus in repentance and faith are empowered to live new lives. Our children must understand the mercy of God who offered Christ as a sacrifice for sinners.
Chapter 13 – Shepherding the Heart Summarized
This chapter summarizes Part 1 of the book – Foundations for Biblical Childrearing:
a) Parenting involves providing the best shaping influences and shepherding your children’s responses to those influences.
b) The heart determines behaviour. Heart struggles must be exposed.
c) Parents have authority and we are doing God’s will for our children and not ours.
d) The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
e) Biblical goals must be accomplished through biblical methods. We must reject the substitute methods which our culture presents.
f) God has given two methods for child-rearing: communication and the rod. These methods must be woven together
PART TWO: SHEPHERDING THROUGH THE STAGES OF CHILDHOOD
Chapter 14 – Infancy to Childhood: (ages 1-4) Training Objectives
Change dominates this time of children’s lives. The most important lesson for the child to learn in this period is that he is an individual under authority. Obedience to God is reflected in a child’s growing understanding of obedience to parents. Obedience must be without challenge, without excuse, without delay.
Chapter 15 – Infancy to Childhood (ages 1-4) Training Procedures
This chapter challenges parents to discipline consistently and gives a “how to” of spanking, including acknowledgment of sin and forgiveness.
Chapter 16 – Childhood (ages 5-12) Training Objectives
The elementary school years confront a child with experiences which parents cannot witness or adjudicate. The big issue during these years is character. His conscience must develop. What parents need address at this point is behaviour that is wrong, but not necessary defiant, e.g. selfishness. Tripp warns parents that if you never address character, you will never get beyond bare obedience. Tripp also warns against excessive rules and legalism and encourages parents to maintain a perception of where the child is spiritually during these years.
Chapter 17 – Childhood (ages 5-12) Training Procedures
Parents are encouraged to address the heart of their child, not just the externals and notes that truly Christian responses deal with attitude, not just with the external behaviour.
Chapter 18 – Teenagers: Training Objectives
Parents live in fear of having teenagers because they fear the alienation which these years seem to bring. This chapter describes how teenage years are years of monumental insecurity. Teens feel vulnerable about everything. They are seeking to establish their independence. They are often years of rebellion. What are the parenting goals for this time? You desire to see the daily instruction throughout your child’s life brought together and internalized by him. This is done by three things:
a) fear of the Lord. Peer pressure is simply living in the fear of man rather than in the fear of God. We as parents must help our children understand the bondage that is produced by living for the approval of others.
b) Adherence to parental instruction. You must show to your children the power and viability of the Christian faith. Your relationship must be an honest one. Family worship is also dealt with and it is emphasized that there is a temptation to have family worship as a duty. Family worship needs to connect to the teen.
c) Disassociation from the wicked. Kids need to belong. But the one who lives in company with wicked people will learn wicked ways. The most powerful way to keep your children from being attracted by the offers of camaraderie from the wicked is to make home an attractive place to be. It should be the shelter where the teen is understood and loved, encouraged and shown the paths of life.
A quote from this chapter: “A teen falls in with rebellious company because he is a rebel, he does not become a rebel because of the company he keeps.”
Chapter 19 – Teenagers: Training Procedures
A parent’s wish during this period is to see children develop autonomous identities as persons under God. Using pleasant words, waiting for the right time to communicate and allowing room for disagreement are all things to keep in mind as we parent teens, remembering that they don’t need to be carbon copies of us to be godly! Every teen must come to grips with whether he has believed for himself or been swept along by the family. Parents desperately seek some promise from the Bible that their children will have faith. Tripp does not believe that promise is found in the Word of God but says that ultimately you leave them to God, “knowing that you can entrust your children to the God who has dealt so graciously with you.”