Glenda Mathes is an author, editor and poet who regularly writes for the Christian Renewal magazine. She uses the term ‘early infant loss’ as a general and gentle term to refer to miscarriage, stillbirth and the death of a newborn. The book focuses on early loss, not because of any differing significance, but because much has been written on later loss. Early infant loss is not always considered significant, although it can be no less traumatic.
Glenda writes of her own experience and shows from Scripture that these little ones are not really lost. Several couples share personal stories about a variety of losses, including the pain of infertility. Other sections deal with acknowledging loss, finding comfort, grieving with hope and healing pain.
Part One: Acknowledging Our Loss
Society often minimises the loss of pre-term infants. Mothers are expected to ‘get over it’ Fathers are often ignored. We live in an abortion-accepting society that has hardened its collective heart to the loss of prenatal life. But for those who believe that life begins at conception, a loss at any point in the pregnancy is significant. Each child is unique, created in Gods image. The experiences and circumstances might differ (whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of newborn child) they share the commonality of loss. The loss of a real person ‘knit together in his/her mother’s womb’. A biblical understanding of life before birth leads to the conclusion that early infant loss is significant and may be grieved. God will not try you beyond your ability but will equip you to cope with every trial. He will enable you to endure even the heartrending loss of your little child.
Part Two: Losing a Child
Repeated loss, Medical Dilemmas and a Hopeless Labour are chapters that each have personal stories from couples who have gone through early infant loss, and describes some of their emotions and texts they used to get through the difficult time of grief. Those who hope in God are devastated but not hopeless when facing infant loss. They find themselves sustained by God’s grace. Over time they are comforted by Gods people and calmed by His Word. They see their Father’s love in their lives. And God also equips grieving fathers to mirror that fatherly love.
Part Three: Bearing Infertility’s Loss
Infant loss is not always as obvious as dramatic loss during pregnancy or delivery. Loss can be a painful and continual condition following miscarriage or it can be the chronic ache of infertility. Although some infertile couples are led to accept their childless state as Gods will for their lives, others feel compelled to pursue the fostering or adoption option. A statement from a couple with personal experience sums their thoughts nicely: “ By Gods Providence, He has chosen to use us to rescue four children from troubled lives and bring them up within His covenant so that, by His grace and goodness, they might share with us the hope of eternal life through Jesus Christ.”
Part Four: Finding Our Comfort
Part four discusses Biblical, Covenantal, Confessional comfort and our Only Comfort. Grieving couples may initially identify with the ‘weeping and great mourning” in Matthew 2. “A voice was heard in Ramah weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children; and she would not be comforted, because they are no more (2:18)” These children ‘are no more’ only in the sense that they are no longer with their parents. So too, the littlest ones lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, or newborn death are no longer with their parents, but are not lost. Their loss is temporal, not eternal. Believers can know and trust that God is both sovereign and loving. He is almighty God who rules over all the events of life, but He is also our Father and the Great Shepherd of His sheep. Believers can trust their sovereign and loving God to keep the beautiful promises He gives His children in His Word, such as the promise of Gods Sovereignty in Romans 8:28 ‘All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose’. It may be years before we see how God used it for good, or it may take our entire lives. Yet we can know God’s promise is true. We can trust Him to work even this for His good purposes.
Part Five: Grieving with Hope
Believers do not grieve without hope. That hope is firmly grounded in the unfailing affection the almighty power, and the sovereign knowledge of God. These chapters also discuss a Guilty Grief, Being Forgiven, and Forgiving Others. Suffering is not usually a result of an individual’s personal grief, but it is always the result of the world’s pervasive sin. Believers can be assured that God forgives the repentant sinner, so parents who recognise and repent from sin shouldn’t allow guilt to complicate their grief. Forgiveness is never easy but it is necessary, and God’s grace is sufficient.
Mothers are the most obvious sufferers when a baby dies, but the loss can be just as devastating to fathers, siblings, grandparents or friends.
Part Six: Healing Our Pain
People should allow mourners to grieve in their own way and time. Some heal quickly; others grieve loss keenly for many long years. Whatever its length, its intensity, or its manifestations, grief is never easy and each individual must work through a personal set of grief issues. The primary tool is heartfelt prayer. We know God hears and answers the prayers of those in distress. We can pray knowing that Jesus Christ understands our pain and He will grant us grace. Only God’s grace enables mourners to eventually arrive at the peace of acceptance.
There is a chapter on Compassionate Care which goes through ways that others in the community can help the grieving family, and what to say and what not to say to them. The book concludes with an affirmation of hope. The little ones are not lost. When Christ returns we and our covenant children will be reunited with our original bodies, glorified in a way we never imagined. One day at our Lords glorious appearing, the curtain of our burden will lift and our faith will at last become sight!