The back cover of the book informs the reader that ‘Walter Trobisch worked in Africa for many years. With his wife ‘Ingrid’ he specialized in lecturing on marriage and family problems not only there but in Europe and North America as well.’
The author – in his Preface – assures that ‘nothing in this book is fiction. All of the conversations have really taken place. The people involved are still living today. For this reason the name of the city is not mentioned nor are any descriptions given. The setting of these events is Africa, but the problems dealt with are relevant to all parts of the earth and to all cultures.’
The First of the Nine chapters starts with describing the arrival of the author in Africa where he has to give lectures on marriage. He is greeted by the local Pastor Daniel and his wife Esther. That same night Walter receives a phone-call from a twenty-two year old African girl who is living with a European. He often promises to marry her but always postpones it. As the girl is under strict supervision of her partner, she wants to stay anonymous. She asks Trobisch what really makes marriage a marriage. The answer is given in the following chapters.
In Chapter Two we read about Walter’s first lecture which – as all the following ones – is given in English but – sentence by sentence – is interpreted in the native tongue by Pastor Daniel.
Trobisch starts by reading Genesis 2:24: ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.’
In this verse three things are mentioned which are essential to marriage: to leave, to cleave and to become one flesh. These 3 acts belong together like the three angles of a triangle. To make his point clear Walter draws a triangle on a blackboard.
Top-point ‘A’ = leaving (your parents and starting a separate life),
Left hand point ‘B’ = cleaving (to your partner in love and faithfulness) and;
Right hand point ‘C’ could simply be called ‘sex’, (but also includes physical sharing of all your physical and material possessions).
This chapter explains why marriage is no marriage if one of the three elements is missing.
The so-called ‘garden concept’ of marriage is in contrast to the biblical concept. It conceives of the man as the sower of the seed and the woman as the soil, the garden. The consequences of this inaccurate way of thinking are tremendous. The author mentions eight of these consequences, all contradicting the biblical concept of marriage.
Chapter Three relates another phone conversation with the African girl. She reveals more of her problems. Point ‘A’ of the triangle (wedding) is for her the most disturbing one. She also says that she doesn’t like the triangle concept; according to her it has too many angles and points. She, instead, wants to compare it with something that looks like a triangle: a tent. As the top part of their ‘tent’ is missing, she feels very vulnerable.
In Chapter Four the tent-symbol is worked out further. Trobisch advises the girl not to think of the triangle ‘wedlock, love, sex’ as something unmovable and stiff but as something alive, as an interplay of forces. Marriage needs love; it is like the blood pushing through the veins of marriage. And the state of being married passes on to the sexual togetherness and provides the one-flesh union with a shelter (tent) in which the lovers feel protected. The great question is: What is the will of God concerning this all? “In Genesis 2:24 God offers us an image which meets the personal need of every situation, every culture”.
Most marital troubles point to the fact that one of the three forces is not fully integrated into the triangle, causing marital ‘sickness’. It may develop into an empty marriage, a stolen marriage or an unfulfilled marriage, often resulting in adultery and/or divorce. The question remains: from what point do we enter into the marriage triangle? The book mentions and explains three answers: a traditional, a modern or a biblical answer. All three are discussed and dealt with in the following chapters.
Chapter Five gives us an insight into the happenings in the daily life of Pastor Daniel and wife Esther. Being a very busy man, Daniel-piteously – is not a man of schedule. Esther – having order in her duties – has to keep up with e.g. belated or interrupted meals. This situation does not promote the marriage relationship. The chapter gives a simple but effective solution to this problem.
There is another phone conversation between Trobisch and the anonymous girl. This time she reveals her name (Fatma) and tells her sad story of using contraceptives, even abortion, etc. Walter’s invites Fatma to visit him, together with her ‘husband’. This is followed up but the result is: the man is not convinced that he should marry Fatma, claiming that loving each other is enough to live together.
Chapter Six. Two answers are given to the question about whether marriage should be approached from the legal, or the physical (personal) aspect.
The traditional answer is: start with the legal aspect, with the wedding. Here the great danger is that the personal aspect – love is then left out of the picture.
The modern answer is: start with the physical aspect: sex. The legal aspect is then left out and it never comes to a wedding.
The author refers back to Genesis 2:24 and considers the first word of the key-text: ‘therefore…’. Due to the incomprehensible kindness of God, He made for man a partner equal to him, complementing him. The power which drives them toward each other is the power of love. He advises to take six tests of love:
- Sharing test – do couples want to be happy and to make happy?
- Strength test – does love give new strength and energy?
- Respect test – am I proud of my partner?
- Habit test – do we not only love but also like each other?
- Quarrel test – are we able to forgive and to give in to each other
- Time test – do we know each other long enough?
And under these tests Trobisch writes; SEX IS NO TEST OF LOVE.
Chapter Seven relates what happens to desperate Fatma who attempts to take her own life, blaming Walter’s lectures for taking away her last straw of hope.
Chapter Eight makes clear that Fatma’s main motive for suicide was: not having a place she can call her own. How she finds this place is told in the last chapter.
Chapter Nine also relates an incident whereby the counselor himself experiences a marriage-crisis.
The book ends with a summary of Trobisch’ sermon on Ephesians 5:25-32.
Studying the triangle of marriage, the apostle Paul adds a new dimension to the triangle. He says: ‘This is a great mystery’. This statement is found in an in-between place in the text. It refers to the previous verse and points to the next one at the same time. Paul continues by saying: ‘I take it to mean Christ and His church’. The deepest mystery of the triangle, therefore, is Jesus Christ Himself, giving couples new hope. Real love is there when it reflects the love of Christ and His church.