How to really love your teenager

CONTENTS – Foreword and Preface & 12 chapters 

Preface

“The primary source of the problem usually lies with the parents who do not have a balanced perspective about how to relate to their teenagers…Although most parents truly love their teenagers, they don’t know how to convey that love in ways that make the teenagers feel loved and accepted.”

Chapter 1 – Teenagers: Children in Transition

This chapter is an introductory one, laying the foundation as it were, for the following chapters. It describes a set of parents asking for advice, as they are baffled by their 15 yr-old daughter’s negative behaviour.

Dr Campbell diagnosed Debbie (he also spoke with her) as having depression, an increasingly frequent and serious adolescent problem. “She seldom had times when she felt content with herself or her life.”

“Though she had parents who deeply loved her and cared for her, Debbie did not feel genuinely loved.” Were the parents at fault? Dr Campbell:  “They had a vague notion of the needs of a child – protection, shelter, food, clothes, education, guidance, love, etc. They had met essentially all these needs except unconditional love.” (chapter 3)

The author emphasises that teenagers are still children, not young adults. Parents, teachers and others often make the mistake of treating them as junior adults, and overlook their childlike needs for feeling love and acceptance, being cared for. “As a result, many of them have feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, poor self-esteem, and self-deprecation…Two of the most frightening results of this apathy are depression and revolt against authority.”

Dr Campbell assures us that there are ways (discussed in later chapters) to prevent apathy in teenagers, and to promote healthy, energetic, productive, and creative attitudes.

The influence of the home plays the biggest role in this process. “Regardless of the many distractions in the life of a teenager, the home has the deepest influence on his life,” says the author. He claims that though most parents have deep feelings of love toward their teenagers, they are simply not transmitting or conveying it to them (when they think they are) because they do not know how. “That is what this book is all about.  It is a how-to book to help parents know how to love their teenagers so they will be their best, act their best, and grow to become their best. I pray that it will be not only a book of answers for the weary, confused parent, but also a book of hope.”

Chapter 2 – The Home

A loving, happy home is largely dependent on the quality of the marriage-relationship between the parents.

Dr Campbell describes two case histories to illustrate the point:

Chuck – had problems of truancy, stealing, and disobedience, even though he was a bright boy, well liked by his peers, and had no unusual problems with his teachers. Concerning his stealing, he had set himself up to be caught. “Because open, honest discussion and expression of feelings did not exist in the Hargrave home, Chuck demonstrated his anger by doing things which embarrassed and upset his parents.” His parents had not set the example of sharing opinions and feelings with each other. Due to lack of normal communication, his parents “had never understood each other’s feelings and expectations regarding Chuck. So they had never agreed on behavioural limits or appropriate discipline for Chuck.” As a result Chuck was confused, not knowing what his parents expected of him, and “gave up trying to live up to his parents’ standards because he never knew what they were.”

14 yr-old Roger – was caught breaking into a home, stealing items, was failing in school, defiant, sullen. He had been a problem for several years. Roger usually disobeyed and constantly challenged parental authority, got his way by manipulation. “He used what one parent said against the other.  These tactics caused conflict between the parents. Mum and Dad fought about how to handle Roger, while Roger did as he pleased.”  If the parents’ relationship were improved, they could be united in the discipline of their son, “For only then would the boy respect his parents, stop using one against the other, and learn to control himself in appropriate ways.”

To quote Dr Campbell:  “Every teenager needs parents whose marital relationship is one of stability, respect, love, and good communication.”  The author then illustrates this with examples from his own marriage, admitting he often had to learn the art of communication the hard way. Using his own life’s example he states “stress will come into every marriage. Whether the stress hurts and destroys the marriage, or enhances it, depends on how both husband and wife respond individually to the stress.”

Dr Campbell does not overlook the fact that there are single-parent families.

“While they can’t turn to spouses, they can rely on others with whom they are involved – on members of their extended families, and on friends, professional organizations, and community groups…the most successful single parents are those who have learned to tap into available support…to overcome the pressures…and become effective parents.”

Role reversal (relating to your teenagers as contemporaries, as your best friend) also gets a mention.

“Whether we are single or married, we parents must always maintain our position as mother or father in the home. We are responsible to meet the emotional needs of our teenagers. If we reverse this natural course and look to them to emotionally nourish us, we will hurt them – and destroy our relationship with them…We must not use our children or teenagers as counsellors, shoulders to cry on, emotional support, or colleagues…Our first responsibility is to make our children feel genuinely loved. Our second…to be authority figures…and to lovingly discipline them.”

Chapter 3 – Unconditional Love

“Without unconditional love, parenting is a confusing and frustrating burden. This love acts as a guiding light, showing you where you are with your teenager and what to do next.

Unconditional love means loving a teenager, no matter what.

This does not mean that you always like his behaviour: you love your teenager even when you detest his behaviour.

• Teenagers are children.
• Teenagers will usually act like teenagers.
• Much of teenage behaviour is unpleasant.
• If you love your teenager only when they please you (conditional love) …he will not feel genuinely loved…make him feel insecure, damage his self-image…prevent him from developing more mature behaviour.
• If you love a teenager unconditionally, he will…be comfortable…able to control his anxiety…”

‘Do you love me?’ is the most important question on your teenager’s mind. “And he asks the question primarily through his behaviour, rather than with words…Most parents do not know how to answer yes; they don’t know how to convey their love to their teenagers.” One of the main reasons is because “teenagers, like younger children, are behaviourally oriented. Adults are primarily verbally oriented…Having a warm feeling of love in your heart for your teenager is wonderful – but it’s not enough! Saying ‘I love you’ is great – but it’s not enough…You must also love him behaviourally…what you do carries more weight than what you say.”  Your teenager has an emotional tank that determines how he feels (content, angry, depressed, joyful), which in turn affects his behaviour. “Naturally, the fuller the tank, the more positive the feelings and the better the behaviour.” Dr Campbell claims the following statement to be one of the most important ones in his book:

“Only when his emotional tank is full can a teenager be expected to be his best and do his best.”

Teenagers can be thought of as love reflectors, as mirrors. “If love is given to them, they return it. If none is given, they have none to return.”

A teenager will strive for independence (doing things by himself, testing parental rules), but he will eventually run out of emotional fuel and come back to the parents for a refill. This is what we as parents want. “We want our adolescent to be able to come to us for emotional maintenance when he needs it.”

The author warns about emotional overreaction when your teenager tests you: “It does not mean that you condone the misbehaviour. You need to express your feelings honestly but appropriately; that is, without extreme anger, yelling, name-calling, attacking the child verbally, or otherwise losing control of yourself.”

Chapter 4 – Focused Attention

…involves much more than providing eye or physical contact. “It requires time and sometimes a lot of it.”  Giving your teenager full, undivided attention makes him feel truly loved, “so that he warrants your watchfulness, appreciation, and uncompromising regard.” Dr Campbell believes that “focused attention is the greatest need a teenager has.”  He goes on to say that “most parents have real difficulty recognising this need, much less fulfilling it…other things they do for their teenagers – favours, gifts, granting unusual requests – seem to substitute for focused attention at the time…they are easier to give and take much less time.”

Priorities play a role here. “What are the priorities in your life? Where do your children fit into them? Do they take first priority?”  He reminds us that “our children are teenagers for such a short time.”

Focused attention – not simply nice, but a critical necessity. How do you give it? “Set aside time to spend with him alone…it takes tremendous effort to pry time from busy schedules, but when you do, the rewards are great.” The suggestion is made to have a meal together at a restaurant, in a relaxing atmosphere. “During times of focused attention, parents can make special opportunities for eye contact and physical contact with a teenager.” Even just a few moments together can do wonders: “every moment counts, for the stakes are high. What is worse than a wayward, adolescent son or daughter? What is more wonderful than a well-balanced teenager?” He adds: “As children enter adolescence, they need more time with family, not less…this is one of the most devastating mistakes parents make today.” Adolescents are facing strong influences daily, many of them unhealthy, unwholesome, and sometimes evil. “If you take the time…your teenager will gain the confidence…to think for himself about the kind of values he will live by.” Adolescents need time to relax and feel comfortable in our presence. Spending time together by standing in line in a public place, fishing, hiking, playing a game, listening to an orchestra, puts no pressure on them, and “the defences will gradually come down, and he or she will begin to talk…” The author reveals how he had his best conversations with his 14 yr-old daughter in the car, due to this reasoning:” When you are driving a car with your teenager as a passenger…you somehow lose your identity and are considered as part of the car – an extension of the steering wheel.”(!)

Guilt and envy. “To understand the background of most teenage problems, it is important to be aware of adolescent society…they have a ‘pecking order’, so to speak.” He continues:” some of the most painful adolescent problems are peer-related and involve one or more of four feelings – envy, guilt, anger, and depression.” Because anger and depression are dealt with in later chapters, the author considers envy and guilt. “If a teenager’s problem involves a peer who is lower on the adolescent society ladder, he will probably feel guilt. If his encounter was with someone above him, the feeling will usually be envy.”  The parents should see their teenager’s position and identify the feelings he is struggling with. “It is vital to the emotional development of our teenagers that we help them identify and understand envy and guilt in themselves, and learn how to handle these emotions properly. If they are unable to, they are likely to be manipulated by guilt.”

Example of manipulation “…is the boy who attempts to induce a girl to have a sexual encounter with him with such remarks as, ‘If you really loved me, you would.’”

Chapter 5 – Eye Contact and Physical Contact

“A child or teenager growing up in a home where parents use eye and physical contact will be comfortable with himself and other people…and consequently will be well-liked and feel high self-esteem.”

Eye contact. “One of the primary reasons loving parents fail to convey unconditional love …is lack of eye contact. Without realising it, you use eye contact to express many feelings – sadness, anger, hate, rage, and love.” When a child enters adolescence, there are often uneasy periods when he resists eye contact. “Do not let your teenager’s occasional tendency to avoid eye contact irritate you. Try simply to accept it, realising if you remain available, he will come to you when his emotional tank is dry.”

Physical contact. “Appropriate and consistent physical contact is a vital way to give your teenager…the conviction that you truly care about him.” Teenagers do not always tolerate a parent’s touch. “At these times of non-acceptance, you can give physical contact when his attention is directed elsewhere so that he is unaware of the touch…it registers…helps him feel, ‘My mother and father love me and care for me, even during these times when relating to them is hard for me. ” Most people love having their backs scratched. Try it on teens, says Dr Campbell. “It has an amazing effect on a teen’s psychological defences…”

He ends the chapter with an example from the Bible: “ When we remain available to give our teenagers the love they need…we are demonstrating the manner in which God relates to us. ‘If we are unfaithful to Him, He Himself will remain faithful’ (2 Timothy 2:13)”

Chapter 6 – Parental Self-Control

“In the teenage years, young people are attempting to resolve all conflicts they have previously experienced … especially with their parents.” That is why “an early adolescent between the ages of twelve and fifteen will evidence frequent and unexpected mood shifts. One minute he will seem to be very mature, and the next minute like a small child…parents should react to them according to the age they are exhibiting at that time.” The author advises parents to show emotional self-control, as “emotional overreaction will hurt your relationship…in several ways.”

Maintaining self-control. How do you do that? You need “energy, preparation, self-discipline…healthy spiritual life…if you are going to be pleasant in the midst of unpleasant but normal adolescent strivings.” A combination of a healthy mind and a healthy body, therefore.

An angry father. After talking with a boy and his irrationally angry father, Dr Campbell discovered that the father “was having severe problems at work, was extremely depressed, could not sleep well, could hardly eat, tired easily, and felt life was not worth living.”  He took it out on Bob, his son, who admittedly had behaviour problems. “The father…used Bob’s behaviour as an excuse to rid himself of excessive anger.”

Chapter 7 – Teenage Anger

“Anger is normal and occurs in every human being. The problem is not in anger itself but in managing it.”

Passive-Aggressive behaviour  (PA) “is the opposite of an open, honest, direct, and verbal expression of anger…a refusal to take responsibility for one’s own behaviour…and causes most problems with today’s teenagers, from poor grades to drugs on to suicide.”

Dr Campbell says, “ it’s important to be able to clearly identify PA behaviour” (as there are, of course, other causes of behaviour problems).

1. “It does not make logical sense (irrational)”
2. You can label it as PA “when nothing works, no matter what the authority figure does. This is because the underlying, subconscious motive is to upset the parent.”

“Tragically, if a teenager does not learn to handle anger maturely and grow out of the PA stage by the age of sixteen or seventeen, this PA trait will harden and become a permanent part of his/her personality for life.” The author goes on to say that PA behaviour is absolutely the worst way to express anger, for apart from the danger of it becoming ingrained for life, “it can distort a person’s personality (becomes disagreeable), interfere in all his/her future relationships, is one of the most difficult behavioural disorders to treat.”

“Scripture instructs us to train a child in the way he should go.” Forcing him to suppress the anger and not deal with it properly is training him in the way he should NOT go. The proper way is “teaching him to resolve the anger, not to suppress it.”

The Anger Ladder illustrates the different steps of maturity in anger expression, helping parents to see that “a teenager must be trained to progress from one rung to the next.”

Dr Campbell then lists 15 rungs, ranging from “Pleasant behaviour (1, positive) to “Passive-aggressive behaviour (15, the most negative). “As parents, you should be good examples in the proper expression of anger. Instead of forbidding him to become angry, or overreacting to his anger, you need to meet him where he is …on the Anger Ladder” and train him from there.

Train your teenager. “Please remember, this is a five- or six-year project, and a teen can take only one step at a time.”  If it is not dealt with it becomes “more difficult to control, and may become more destructive. We must find ways to ‘nip it in the bud’ (anger based on misunderstanding), or to see that the anger is ventilated slowly and then resolved (justified anger).” It needs “much time and practice”.

Chapter 8 – From Parent Control to Self-Control

“Discipline and training need to gradually change from a parent-control basis to a parent-trust basis. The child…will attempt to exert more control and decision-making. This drive for independence is normal…what you want to be able to do is control the rate of this gain of independence…and the best indicator is the degree to which you can trust your youngster and his ability to control his behaviour.” This leads to setting limits. “Should they be fair, broad, and reasonable, or very strict?” He continues, “common sense indicates that it is in the makeup of most teenagers to challenge and/or break rules, no matter how broad or strict they are, so the sensible thing is to make rules quite strict and restrictive initially. Then, when the child demonstrates that he can be trusted to behave appropriately, you can gradually allow him increased privileges.”

Teenagers must experience consequences: positive ones for responsible, negative ones for irresponsible behaviour. So parents set rules. But “a rule deserves a reason…practical, and not simply moralistic. Teenagers…are in the midst of questioning their parents’ rules and values… and they relate much better to practical rules than to moralistic ones.”

Protecting your teenager. The author states that “parents of teenagers need to be in good communication with parents of other teenagers…to be able to share information and concerns…and work together with them in providing direction and control for the young people. How can parents know if a certain event is appropriate or not? Dr Campbell urges parents to get on the phone to each other “to find out about planned activities. How else are you going to control and protect your vulnerable teen?”

Appropriateness and trust play an important role. “Even if a teenager is trustworthy, means well, has fine intentions there are situations he/she may not have the maturity to handle. In these cases, you must protect your teenager.”

Delaying your decision (yes, or no to your teen’s question ‘may I go to such and such a place with such and such’?) gives you time to think it over. “Another advantage is that your teenager will also have time to think it over and may come to some mature decision himself.”

Looking ahead. “The most healthy attitude is to work hand in hand with your teenager towards his being a responsible, independent person by the time he is at adulthood. If your teenager understands that you actually want him to be independent within a given time and are working towards that end, he can feel you are for him and not against him.”

Setting limits. “Teenagers have an acute sense of fairness. They know when parents are permissive and when they are too harsh or unreasonable…punishment should fit the crime. Common sense must prevail!”

Parent courtesy is another point to be aware of. “Parents should be pleasant to their teenagers’ peers, regardless of their feelings toward them.”  According to the author, “it definitely pays off. First of all, your teenager will appreciate it and can feel free to bring other teenagers home. Second, other teens are often having problems communicating with their parents, and seek other adults to relate to. Befriending your teenager’s friends does not only help them, but it draws your own teens closer to you.”

1.      Abnormal situations. “If a teenager, despite unconditional love and appeals to reason from parents, is continually difficult to manage, likely he has more serious problems and needs outside help.” Dr Campbell mentions depression, thought disorders, neurological disorders. He mentions ADD and ADHD specifically. “First of all, I regret that these unfortunate children are considered abnormal. Almost all of them possess unique gifts but seldom are able to discover them because of problems with school, self-esteem, depression, and/or passive-aggressive behaviour. These children are born with two basic ‘problems’: ‘hyperactivity’ (short-attention span) and ‘perceptual problems’ (information received by the brain becomes distorted when it is processed in the brain). It is critical to know that these distorted perceptions cause each ADD child to feel unloved and unwanted. This, in turn, causes increasing depression and anger as the child grows older

Chapter 9 – Adolescent Depression

“…is difficult to identify because its symptoms are different from the classical symptoms of adult depression.  E.g. a teenager in mild depression acts and talks normally…no outward signs. Mild depression is manifested in sombre fantasies, daydreams, or dreams during sleep. Few professionals are able to pick up depression in this state. Moderate depression: teenager also acts and talks normally, but the content of his speech is affected, dwelling on depressing subjects like death, morbid problems, and crises. The author tells us that there is a difference between moderate depression in adults and in teenagers, although both are just as profound and serious. The symptoms are different: “a moderately depressed adult usually looks terrible, feels miserable, and is severely affected in his ability to function.” Whereas a teenager “only in severe depression…appears depressed. They are good at masking it, appearing OK even when they are absolutely miserable. Teenagers employ this front unconsciously, primarily when other people are around. When alone, they let down the mask. This helps parents identify depression, though it is not the best way.”

Discovering depression before tragedy occurs… Specific symptoms:

1. Shortened attention span.
2. Daydreaming
3. Poor academic results
4. Boredom
5. Somatic depression (the symptoms begin to affect the child in a directly physical way)
6. Withdrawal

Acting out depression is the result of the teenager not being able to endure his depression any longer; it is an attempt to alleviate his misery and distress. “Boys tend to be more violent than girls: stealing, lying, fighting, driving fast… breaking and entering…something which has an air of excitement and danger.” Girls tend to be less violent, and “frequently act out their depression by sexual promiscuity.  Depression and low self-esteem are almost always the basis of it.  Another way of acting out depression is by taking drugs. Suicide is also a way depression may be acted out. “Sometimes it is a gesture in which the teenager wishes attention,” but suicide does happen, boys being more successful at it than girls, although girls make more attempts.

Remedy for mild depression: “First of all, identify, be familiar with the symptoms. Often there is a specific factor or event which triggers the constellation of symptoms: death or illness, divorce or conflict between parents, move to an undesired place. It can make the teenager feel lonely, abandoned, unloved. It is crucial to show him we care about, love him. Spend time with him, communicate by eye and physical contact, focused attention. The teenager needs help in dealing with his own feelings about events which have upset him.”

Moderate and severe depression is a frightening predicament: the teenager loses his ability to think clearly, judgement deteriorates, focuses more and more on morbid details, perceptions of reality become distorted, assumes that everything is bleak, life is not worth living. Counselling becomes less effective. How can you help if you cannot reason with him?”  Medical help is mandatory in this situation.

Depression and drugs. “It is amazing how many teenagers and adults actually believe that marijuana is harmless. The most frightening aspect of drugs is the way they affect a teenager’s thought process. What is more frightening than people who cannot think accurately and have distorted ideas, views and values? Love your teenager, supervise him appropriately…difficult, but the reward is well worth the cost.”

Chapter 10 – Helping your Teenager Intellectually

“To prepare your adolescent for the future…you must teach him/her to think clearly. Reasons: for basic understanding; to differentiate between right and wrong; to enable logical decision making; to develop socially into mature adults; necessary for a strong, consistent faith or moral value system.”

Intellectual development is dependant on “the degree of emotional nourishment he receives. The more your teens feel loved, the more he will be able to learn to think clearly and logically. You must meet your teenager’s emotional needs first.”

Intellectual affirmation is needed by a teenager learning to think well. “…a person must respect himself (emotionally, physically, also intellectually), and most teenagers need assurance and approval from their parents.” Many parents only correct their teenagers, but praise is needed as well as correction.  “Unfortunately, too many parents refuse to talk with their teenagers in a give-and-take manner, talking down to them as though they were small children. This makes teens feel that their opinions don’t matter…nor do they know if they are right or wrong about the subjects they think about. This pushes them toward taking the opinion of others, who may not have their welfare at heart. Only when your teenager sees that you are willing to relate to him as a responsible person with a mind of his own will he feel a balanced confidence in his ability to learn to think clearly and grow to intellectual maturity.”

Teach by example. Be consistent. “One reason teenagers are confused about moral issues is that many parents are not assuming responsibility for teaching their own convictions to their children.

Chapter 11 – Helping Your Teenager Spiritually

“The prevailing mood in our young today is hopelessness, helplessness, and despair. Essentially it is because they have little hope in the future.”

Doomsday? “When doomsday is proclaimed without the proper balance of hope and trust in God’s promises and Christ’s love, is it any wonder that Christians are finding it increasingly difficult to live responsible, courageous, and productive lives? Pessimism is not the teaching of Christ. His message is one of hope and joy.”

‘Show me how to live’ is the cry of adolescents today. “Initially, a child looks to his parents for guidance in life. We parents must possess a foundation (on which we base our own lives and which can stand the test of time) to be able to pass it on to our own children. It is a personal, intimate relationship with God through His Son Jesus Christ. This is the ‘something’ , the ‘meaning in life’ which our young people are yearning for. It is extremely difficult for teenagers who do not feel unconditionally loved by their parents to feel loved by God.”

“If religious training is a degrading or boring experience for a young person, he is likely to reject even the best teaching, especially if morality and ethics are involved. It is from this type of situation that a teenager develops a bias against religious matters and tends to consider church people as hypocrites.”

The wait-and-choose approach. The parent who says “ I want my child to learn to make his own decisions after he is exposed to things” is either copping out or grossly ignorant of the world we live in. The child will become increasingly confused about his world.”

Prepare your teenager spiritually. How?

1. Parents must teach their teenager spiritual concerns.
2. Parents must share their own spiritual experiences.
3. Parents should be examples of forgiveness.
4. Parents must train their teenager how to handle anger maturely (refer to ch 7)

Balcony people “are the people, living and dead, who have lifted us with their love, faith, hope, and courage, beautifully summarised for us in Hebrews 11.”  They speak to our ‘cellar voices’ (our own tendencies toward discouragement and despair). “Our teenagers need balcony people to give them hope. They are hearing more than enough cellar voices. God gives us hope. Hope is not wishful thinking. Hope is the knowledge that the wonderful promises of God are true.”

Christian hope “is not dependent on what the world does to us. It is dependent on what we do in the world as we live in response to God’s great love for us.”

Chapter 12 – The Older Adolescent

“As adolescents near the time of normal separation from home, they still need their parents to help them make that precarious crossing into adulthood…a gradual weaning process.”

Goal-orientation “is one of the most important aspects of a teenager’s personality. No one is perfectly balanced in this area: some are too goal-oriented, tend to be perfectionistic, judgmental, rigid in their thinking, opinionated, tense, worried. These excessively conscientious people will tend to find life a drudgery with little pleasure, and tend toward depression as they become older. If your older adolescent has these traits you can be of tremendous help to him by teaching him to find significance in pleasant hobbies and other means of relaxation.  The key is: balance between being goal-oriented and person-oriented(forming friendships).”

Preparation for the real world.  “If our young people have not learned how to deal with pressures (of the real world with its decaying values) while living at home, how can they cope with real life when they are on their own? While your teenager is living at home under its haven of safety and guidance, he needs some exposure to these problem areas, in a controlled way, to be trained how to cope, receive privileges based on trust. This does not mean participating in unhealthy activities. One of the most serious mistakes you can make is to assume that school, church, or other organizations can or will handle this part of your child’s development for you. The parent has the greatest effect on the teenager, especially regarding values and lifestyle. Train your teenager to cope by using self-control and taking responsibility when there is little or no supervision. Such training is hard on parents; we have to learn to let our dear ones go.”

Security. “Even after our young person leaves home, he still needs us. He needs to know we are there, available, and ready to help when needed.”

Spouse selection. “One of our priorities as parents was to make sure each of our children could identify the qualities that are desirable in a spouse,” says Dr Campbell. He has seen too many make the tragic mistake of “depending on their feelings to decide whether to become involved or marry.” He then lists various positive traits to look for in a partner.

Be optimistic is the author’s final message.  “ Yes, many of our youth have serious problems – some of them severe. But many of them are doing beautifully and are a real encouragement.

Dear parent, this book on teenagers was written expressly for you by another parent. My strongest desire was to see my children grow into strong, healthy, happy, and independent adults – I desire the same for your teenager.”