Getting to the other side of Grief

The book is written especially for widows and widowers who are still relatively young, and have not yet reached retirement age. It is true that grief is just as difficult for older persons; they also experience powerful feelings of love, loneliness and confusion. They, too, can benefit from reading this book.

Younger widowed persons, however, face additional issues which are addressed more directly. And gender plays a role in how to manage the grieving process.

Both authors write out of professional and personal experience. The concept of a JOURNEY is the primary metaphor of this book.  Significant ‘landmarks’ along the way, will help those who are widowed, to carry out necessary tasks in order to move to the other side of grief.

All nine chapters have a Question as title + a subtitle. Except for chapter six, the questions are discussed and answered using a threefold pattern, the parts of which – for convenience’ sake – are named:

a.       A short introduction to the chapters

b.      The psychologist says …. Written by Susan, a licensed clinical psychologist

c.       The Pastor says …. Written by Robert (Bob), an ordained pastor & teacher

 

Chapter One – Why Grief?

Choosing the Journey

1. The first two paragraphs tell us that – within one year of each other – Susan’s husband and Bob’s wife died. For both grief begins.

The question now is: Is this process of grieving accepted? Will it lead to the possibility of living and loving again?

2. When taking a passive attitude toward grieving, you run the risk of getting stuck in it for a long time. Courage must be found within oneself to face the pain of grief, to get to the other side of it. Life’s journey will and must continue.
3. Nowhere in the Bible do we read that God does not want us to grieve. God understands these feelings. Look up John 11:35!

Grief is a necessary process and, as with every process, there is a goal. We must believe that God wants good things for us. Allow for the possibility that you will be happy again.

Chapter Two – How Do You Grieve?

Mapping the Route from Pain to Memories

1. Suggestions are made to turn present pain into a treasure house of beautiful memories .
2. Avoiding a reaction to grief is impossible. Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way, and at your own pace. Yet, those who grieve have some common experiences that affect the process. First, your relationship with the deceased; grieving will be less complicated when  the marital relationship was healthy. Second, personal circumstances. This category covers a number of factors, e.g. previous experiences with death, education, health, financial situation, etc. Third, the type of death. While in some cases, you may be able to prepare for death, the real story is that the death of a spouse is always difficult, no matter what the circumstances are.
3. The mystery of death and life is one of the greatest secrets of Scripture. In the story of the death of Lazarus (John 11:1-45) God teaches Martha and Mary – and all of us – some bare facts about death. The most important one: God sets His own time schedule. No one can control His timing. But death has not the final word; the end of the story is resurrection. Uncertainty is often fueled by the desire or need to control the various aspects of life, worrying about a multitude of things. Jesus’ words from the Sermon on the Mount encourage us to move from uncertainty to a simplicity of faith. Matthew 6:33 reads: ‘But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you’.

Chapter Three – What is the Grief Process?

The Journey Itself

1. This chapter deals with the issue of time progression and what can be called: the stages of grieving.
2. Grief expresses itself in four primary ways: 1. physical sensations, interruptions in your sleeping and eating pattern. 2. feelings of e.g. anxiety, fear and anger, depression. 3. behaviours, e.g. a general sense of apathy. 4. cognition, e.g. feeling abandoned by God.

A lot of myths (the author mentions nine of them!)about how to grieve the right way have been handed down from generation to generation. Recognise that those who have never been widowed, barely have a clue to what the process is really like. Remain yourself while grieving and do not be afraid to get professional help.

3. Entering the ‘valley of death’ is often beyond our control. Psalm 23 and other Scripture passages are used to show that the valley is never entered alone!

Chapter Four – How Can You Take Charge of Your Grief?

Making the Most of the Journey

1. Suggestions are made of tasks or assignments to help getting through some of the difficult periods of grieving.
2. A list of ten helpful ideas is used as a springboard to work through other issues specific to the widow(er), to the deceased spouse, to your relationship together, or to what is wanted in the future. Practical tips are given in connection with funerals, and the belongings of the deceased, e.g. wedding ring. Also about Time away, Vacation Plans, Self-Esteem and Self-Care, Promises and Expectations. All these issues are analysed and will help on the way to the other side. This section ends with a reminder: Grief-work does not ‘just happen’. Taking charge of the grieving process is necessary.
3. Paul’s short letter to the Philippians was not designed, in the first place, as a handbook for those who are grieving. Yet, there are a number of striking parallels to the grieving experience. To mention just one: working on grief is not an ‘either/or’ proposition = either God gets me through this, or I have to work on it myself. The christian life is always characterised as a ‘both/and’ situation = doing it yourself through God. Phil.2:12b/13 reads: “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God Who works in you, both to will and to do for His good pleasure”. Based on the words of Paul, confidence in God should be developed. Also confidence in yourself, knowing that ultimately one’s identity and self-esteem are determined by one fundamental relationship to God, as His child.

Chapter Five – How Can You Proceed in Your Grief?

Facing Obstacles on the Journey

1. Grief is a process that has an end; you can get over it, though you will never lose the precious memories. The previous chapter discussed some of the basic issues associated with grief.This chapter continues that discussion
2. A deep, empty feeling can be painful and loneliness can hit hard. Grief is not only a road you travel alone, it is also a lonely road. When there is readiness to reverse loneliness, making new friends is a healthy place to start. Helpful suggestions are made, e.g. persons who are widowed should expand their social horizons to include other people who are also single. Another issue is: meeting your sexual needs. Sexual desire depends on many factors and the need to take charge and make some choices in a healthy way, are essential. This ‘landmark’ is also discussed and advice given.
3. At times of loneliness God appears to be far away. Some of the Psalms give voice to these feelings (22:2, 102:1/2) Even one of the greatest prophets in the history of Israel – after the happenings at Mount Carmel – expresses an overwhelming sense of loneliness and cried out: “I  am am the only one left!” The answer he received from the LORD was simple: do not think that you are in this by yourself. Many others are in the same situation, facing the issue of being single. We should not grieve as those without hope (1 Thess.4:13). A new world is coming and to find a place in it, is now.

 Chapter Six – How Does Gender Affect Your Grief?

Being Yourself in the Journey

How we view ourselves as a man or as a woman, has a profound effect on how we manage the grieving process. Many studies point out that men and women are not only physically but also psychologically different. Yet,  both can benefit greatly by embracing the characteristics of the opposite gender, in addition to their own.

The authors want to achieve two things. First, to describe what seems to be the conventional wisdom about the impact of gender on the grief process. Second, each of the writers will tell their personal story, particularly as a man and as a woman.

• how the loss was experienced
• how the loss was expressed
• how the loss was related to work or career
• how others reacted to the loss
• how we viewed the issues of sex and remarriage as we proceed through the grieving process.

We also read that Susan and Bob met for the first time, in the beginning of Spring 1995. They started dating about a year after the death of Susan’s husband. Each respected the other’s need to totally resolve any grief issues before moving on. They became very close friends and married in August 1997.

Chapter Seven – How Can You Be a Grieving Parent?

Dealing with Children on the Journey

1. When there are children at home, dealing with own grief and helping the children with their grief is a double task. How to find a balance between these two very important and emotionally draining tasks, is discussed and advice given.
2. Children need to grieve but they do not express their grief in the same way as adults. Surviving parents are a role model for them. Explaining a parent’s death is essential but whatever is said, make sure it is true.

When answering questions, the ages and characters should be kept in mind. Suggestions are given on how to deal with the different age groups. Moreover, for children of any group it is important that not only much time is spent with them, but that they are also often (re)assured of the love the surviving parent has for them. Give them frequent hugs!

3. Children’s attitude toward death and dying is easily influenced by their parents. Yet, it is important to separate facts from fiction. And the fact is that God does not want people to die any more than we do. A fact is also that death happens to every living thing. Help children to face the reality of death by talking to them directly about it. The Bible does not downplay the reality of it, and neither should we.
4. Another fact: death is not just the end of one thing; it is the beginning of something else. Children, in some ways, believe in life-after-death more easily than adults. Although many questions about life in heaven cannot be answered, heaven is a real place. And, unless we have faith like that of a child, we will not enter the kingdom of heaven (Matt.18:3). In His ministry on earth Jesus adopted a unique attitude to children. He used them as an example of true faith, reminding adults that we had better be more trusting and dependent on God the way young children naturally are. Their simple faith can carry them through. They are not looking for solutions but for models. Walk with them on their journey to the other side of grief.

Chapter Eight – What about Financial and Employment Issues?

Traveling Back to Financial Reality

1. Beginning to rebuild life after a spouse’s death, many tough decisions have to be made: cold choices about money, employment and housing. The chapter aims to give confidence in managing them in the short term. More permanent decisions can be made later on.
2. First of all some ways have to be found to manage the immediate future, and some widowed persons, therefore, are forced to make some short-term decisions that may not be in the best long-term interest of the surviving spouse or family. If at all possible, maintain the current lifestyle and residence for at least the first year. Keep in mind that the present situation may not  be going to stay for the rest of your life. Important decisions like looking for a job or changing houses, will be healthy only when a person is ready to move on, when the courage is there to face what comes next.
3. When a spouse dies, the issue of providing for your life meets you head-on. If you are a widow, perhaps a deacon may ask a general question like “How are you getting along?”, trying to hint to some financial concerns. Christians do not query that it is God Who provides. The Bible gives many examples of that, e.g. manna and quails, the widow’s oil etc. and, many of them are miracles. God does take care of our daily needs when journeying to the Promised Land. There is, however, a clear distinction between needs and wants. God teaches us to pray for ‘our daily bread’. It is necessary to examine our life-styles and find a delicate balance between pursuing our wants while accepting the fact that God may lead us in a different direction. The simple verse from the Sermon on the Mount quoted earlier, gives rest and confidence that He will provide. Sharing this knowledge with others will not only comfort them but yourself also.

The chapter also reminds us that God provides in His own time. ‘Waiting on        the LORD’ is not always easy but is a necessity that must be learned.

Chapter Nine – What Is the Other Side of Grief?

Completing the Journey and Moving on

1. Throughout the book, the position is taken that grief is a temporary condition and can be resolved. However, an active role in moving through grief is necessary. If healing is wanted, something must be done to build up a new life for oneself.
2. One cannot move on while holding on. The grip on the past must be relieved. A monumental point in the journey has been reached when there is realisation that going on as a single person is possible.

This chapter gives many suggestions that can help to assess your emotional level. And when there is for example often much crying and feelings of depression, wait before moving on to the next phase. But do not despair. When you are ready to move toward a new chapter in your life, some questions will pop up. To mention a few: Who am I by myself? Where am I right now? Where do I want to be? What do I want for myself out of life?

Also the issue of remaining single or remarrying, cannot be avoided. Both the advantages and disadvantages are discussed. When the decision is made to remarry, make sure you have taken time to develop a clear description of what you want and do not want in a partner. A list of these factors is printed to check. Bringing a step-parent into the family definitely means a change for children of all ages and should be discussed with them.

Another point is: having been married before, you probably have a better idea of who you are sexually and what your desires are. It is wise to also discuss these insights together.

3. So often those who are widowed convince themselves they will never be happy again. This attitude really has no place in the christian life. On the contrary, God can turn your mourning into dancing. And even if you are not ready to ‘dance’ again, God – in His compassion – is active daily in your mind and He will make sure that all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8). Along with placing our hope in Him, we simply have to accept the fact that we live in a broken world. But God’s Word gives us new beginnings, ultimately even a new earth and heaven!

Grief is an extremely painful emotion, but our LORD can endue us with totally new, positive emotions, worked by His Spirit. They will bring us joy, peace and love (Colossians5:22/23)

Walking the JOURNEY with God’s help and at your own pace, will

            GET YOU TO THE OTHER SIDE OF GRIEF!

Published by Baker Books in 1998

Printed in the United States of  America

Tenth printing in February 2005