The book is divided into three sections
1. Why kids need boundaries
2. Ten boundary principles kids need to know
3. Implementing boundaries with kids
The authors wrote this book with Christian principles in mind. They approach the training of children and younger adults from the angle of setting boundaries for the child as well as boundaries for the parents or those who in one way or the other have authority over the child. The idea is that a child will learn that all actions have a consequence be it good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant.
They maintain that it is better for a child to deal with logical consequences like, not being able to play outside, loss of a toy etc rather than with negative relational consequences, such as anger, guilt, shame, condemnation. They stress the importance that the ‘punishment’ should be related to the action. Eg throwing a toy away in anger should result in the toy being taken away altogether. Coming persistently too late for the meals results in going without food.
Part 1: Why kids need boundaries
1. The future is now
A person’s character make-up determines his future. Hence child rearing is primarily about helping children to develop character that will take them through life safely, securely, productively, and joyfully.
We say the future is now because as parent, teacher or child carer we help create a child’s future. The patterns children establish early in life (their character) they will live out later.
The authors define 3 roles of a parent:
· Guardian – you are responsible for the child to protect and preserve the child. To provide a safe environment for learning and gaining wisdom.
· Manager – you make sure that goals are reached and demands and expectations are met. Children have no self-discipline therefore they need “other-discipline”.
· Source – Children come into this world without resources. They need love, spiritual growth, wisdom, support and knowledge. The parents are the bridge to the outside world or resources to sustain life.
2. What does character look like – it is:
1. Loving – Loving people realise that the world does not revolve around them. They consider the consequences of their behaviour.
2. Responsible – Responsible people are owners of their life and know that
they are accountable to God and others
3. Free – they know that they can make choices but have to live with the consequences
4. Initiating – Taking responsibility for their life and the outcome of their goals
5. Respectful of reality – experiencing the consequences of our actions in the real world.
6. Growing – To face the obstacles of life with an orientation toward growth. To develop abilities and gaining knowledge as well as facing negative things about oneself that need changing.
7. Oriented to Truth – to be truthful in all things
8. Oriented to Transcendence – Being grounded in God gives direction and meaning to their existence allowing them to transcend life, problems, their own limitations and mistakes.
9. A Tall Order – Begin with the end in mind. It is easier to manage the moment or to do what comes naturally. Beginning with the end in mind is a trait of people who do well.
3. Kids need parents with boundaries
In this chapter the authors stress that not only should the child be taught boundaries, the parent, teacher etc should have their own boundaries. They then enlarge on it how to set your own boundaries.
Part 2: The Boundary Principles Kids need to know
4. The Law of sowing and reaping
In this chapter the authors enlarge on the fact that children should learn that all actions have a consequence. They give helpful hints and examples for the parents how to implement this and how to avoid the problems when they do not distinguish between psychological and negative relational consequences. Life works on reality consequences and people usually change behaviours when they encounter reality consequences.
5. The law of responsibility
We are responsible for our own actions regardless of what triggered them. We can not blame others for things we do. It is the parent’s role in boundary training with kids to help them understand that they must gradually take responsibility for their own problems. What begins as the parent’s burden ends up as the child’s.
6. The law of power
Learning the proper use of power helps the children develop their boundaries. Mature people know what they do and don’t have power over. They invest themselves in the first and let go of the second.
7. The law of respect
Children have to learn to have respect for others’ existence, needs, choices and feelings. In this chapter the authors give a number of examples how to deal with these needs. They also state the importance that you should stick to your own boundaries, not just let them go because it is easier.
8. The law of motivation
In this chapter the authors stress that the action in itself, be it ever so good, is not enough. It should be done out of the right motive. In this chapter the various stages a child goes through are explained
9. Law of evaluation
In the law of evaluation the parents are taught how to evaluate the consequences their child goes through. We must differentiate between hurt and harm. Some boundaries might hurt a child in the sense of being unpleasant, but they would never harm the child as in injury or wounding her person or not providing the things she needs.
Lesson No. 1 in a parent’s life is “Growth involves pain”
Lesson No. 2 is “Not all pain produces growth”
There also follow some rules for evaluating pain
10. The law of pro-activity
In the law of pro-activity it is stressed that a child must learn to make mistakes and to learn from them. Pro-active boundaries go beyond problem identification and lead to problem solving.
11. The law of envy
Here the parents are taught how to transform normal childhood envy into acceptance, gratitude, and contentment.
12. The law of activity
To help build in children a tendency toward activity. To take the initiative, to make the first move. To make children understand that the solution to their problems and the answers to their needs never begins with someone else, but with themselves.
13. The law of exposure
Being honest and straight forward. Not to gossip and to slander. To be direct in our communications. Whether bad or good, it is better to know then not to know at all
Part 3: Implementing boundaries with kids
In the last section of the book the authors teach six steps of boundary implementation with the child. They stress again that “parents must not just have boundaries but must be boundaries. This means that in every situation you respond to your child with empathy, firmness, freedom and consequences”.
Step 1: See the three realities
The authors, maintain that in order to solve a problem it is important to know what the problem really is. Following is an example of what is meant:
There are three realities:
1. There really is a problem: your child is not perfect.
As parent we have to realise that our child is not perfect. They and we alike are all sinners. We should not rationalise genuine problems and talk them away.
2. The (perceived) problem isn’t really the problem. It may be the symptom of a problem.
For instance:
Outward Problem Boundary (real) Problem
Bad grades Lack of concern about consequences
Control other kids Lack of respect for others’ boundaries
Doesn’t listen to instruction Lack of fear of consequences
3. Time does not heal all.
It is no good to say, “They will get older”, and not deal with the problem at hand. Avoiding dealing with problems in your child simply gives the Devil more opportunity to stunt his / her growth.
Step 2: Plug in
Get help from others if you cannot deal with your problem child alone.
Step 3: Grow in boundaries personally
Before you start teaching boundaries to your child, start with yourself. Set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Be a role model for your child.
Step 4: Evaluate and plan
- Evaluate:
The child: Age, maturity level, context, specific boundary, conflict and severity (of problem)
Your own resources: Your own issues
Your life context
A boundary-resistant spouse
- Plan:
The problem
The expectations
The consequences
Step 5: Present the plan
Both the parent and the child need to be part of the process in presenting the plan. Some tips on how and when to present the plan follows in this section.
Step 6: Follow through over time
The last step is the most difficult of all but also the most important. The authors stress that “The whole idea of a plan will fall apart if you are not personally functioning as the boundary for the child”. They then list some of the things with which the parent will need to deal:
- Expect disbelief and testing. A child will try you out and test the boundaries. You as parent must stick to the given consequences of disobedience.
- Be patient and allow repeated trials. It will take time but stay with the course you have taken.
- Praise the child’s adaptations.
- Fine-tune and shift issues. When you feel that the child is mastering the behaviour and is more in control of his /her-self, raise your expectations.
In all this as parent don’t forget to come over loud and clear to the child that you love him / her. The task of growing up continues all through life, for children and adults alike, so that we all may “live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way (Col. 1:10)