The book is divided into four parts:
- Understanding Boundaries (Chapt. 1 – 3)
- Building Boundaries in Marriage (Chapt. 4 –11)
- Resolving conflict in Marriage (Chapt. 13 – 15)
- Misunderstanding Boundaries in Marriage (Chapt. 16)
Marriage is one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity. It is the mystery of living as one flesh with another human being (Ephesians 5:31,32) and is first and foremost about love. Yet, love is not enough. The relationship needs other ingredients to grow and thrive, namely freedom and responsibility. These introductory words lead to the first chapter which deals with the idea of boundaries, how to set them in marriage and with oneself. The authors use examples from everyday life to show the necessity of boundaries; they also stress the importance of them for sound spiritual living, by quoting relevant texts and passages from Scriptures. This method (examples and Bible references) is used throughout the whole book.
A boundary is simply a property line. In material property someone (husband or wife) can own land and the things on the land. By property lines one can see where one’s property begins and the neighbour’s ends. In a relationship ownership is also very important; knowing where the boundaries are, knowing to whom belongs things such as feelings, attitudes, behaviour, etc. Each partner in a marriage-relationship should have a sense of ownership of him- or herself. e.g. the husband not taking ownership of his feelings, and the wife doing the same with her behaviour, can cause huge problems. Boundaries help to determine who is responsible for a particular manner of acting. They also help to know just where someone’s control begins and ends, to define the freedom we have, and the freedom we do not have. Marriage is not slavery. It is based on a love relationship rooted in freedom.
Galatians 5:1 says: “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery”. Love only exists where there is freedom.
Chapter 2 has a heading: “Applying the Ten Laws of Boundaries to Marriage”.
They are listed as laws of:
- Sowing and reaping
- Responsibility
- Power
- Respect
- Motivation
- Evaluation
- Pro-activity
- Envy
- Activity
- Exposure.
The authors make clear that these “laws” take us beyond the problem-solving level of boundaries; they will help to understand how boundaries work and could solve problems before they start. At the last page of this chapter (p.59) each of the ten laws is summarised in one sentence; a short but to the point resume of the whole chapter. Let’s quote two of them:
Law 2 – Responsibility. We are responsible to each other but not for each other.
Law 5 – Motivation. We must be free to say ‘no’ before we can wholeheartedly say ‘yes’.
The last chapter of Part 1 emphasises the necessity of not only setting boundaries with each other but also of “Setting Boundaries with Yourself” – as the heading reads.
Many spouses see the ‘marriage’ problem as a ‘spouse’ problem. However, blaming each other does not solve anything. The individual spouse needs to take the initiative to solve problems, even if he/she is certain that the cause of the problem lies not with him/herself. This is a Scriptural attitude, as Matthew 5:23-24 and 18:15 teach.
Another reason for looking at own boundaries first is, that-more often than not- neither of the two involved is blameless. The ‘innocent’ spouse needs to see what part he or she plays in the problem. The Lord Jesus calls this: ‘the plank in our own eye’ (Matthew 7:15). These boundaries with oneself are a much bigger issue than boundaries in marriage, because of the responsibility to God for our personal acts. Matthew 7:12 should be the guideline: ‘So in everything, do to others as you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets’.
Part 2 (Chapt.4) shows how important it is to be a separate person from your spouse. Ironically, being an individual is the key to becoming one with your mate. What real oneness is, is worked out in detail. The first requirement is that two complete, mature persons who are able to do all the things that adult life and relationships require. This includes giving and receiving love, dealing with problems and failures, etc. Marriage was not designed to complete a person. It was designed for two complete people to enter into, and form something different then either of them is on his or her own. It does not mean that husband and wife possess all of the same talents and abilities. These differences complement each other, not complete each other. The crucial element of ‘two becoming one’ is that the two people must be complete in and of themselves, they must be adults before they marry. It is also very important that the need for freedom (already dealt with in chapter 1) and finding the right balance between togetherness and freedom is apparent. Taking away the freedom or ‘ruling’ each other’s freedom, will end in a passive rebellion in return.
Chapter 5 introduces the values which work to produce great boundaries in marriage. Six values are mentioned and each of them is dealt with in a separate short chapter (6-11).
They are:
- Love of God
- Love of your spouse
- Honesty
- Faithfulness
- Compassion and forgiveness
- Holiness.
Loving God (value 1) comes first. When spouses love God enough to do what He asks of them, they will grow to love each other as a result. Love is the foundation for marriage (value 2); it is a powerful boundary against all sorts of evil.
Building a strong relationship needs a commitment to be totally honest with each other (value 3).
Faithfulness (value 4) means: to be trusted in all areas, that you can be depended upon to do what you have promised. Make a commitment that you will not allow anything to come between you.
Value 5 warns that failure from even the best people in our lives can be expected. However, Scripture says: ‘Love covers over a multitude of sins’ (1 Peter 4:8). Compare also Colossians 3:12-14.
The 6th value explains that holiness is the same as ‘hungering’ for righteousness, not for someone else but for oneself.
With chapter 12 – which has as heading ‘Three’s a Crowd’ – we have come to the third part: Resolving Conflict in Marriage. As there are many ‘intruders’ that can weaken the marital bond, one of the first rules is: to have boundaries between marriage and the outside world. Marriage is an exclusive club, a two-person arrangement. Third parties can become disruptive. The book mentions quite a few of them, e.g. Work, outside hobbies and interests, in-laws, friends, etc. One of the greatest enemies of good marriages is triangulation (i.e.) bringing in a third party for unhealthy reasons). After having laid down the principles underlying intruder-issues, the writers deal in more detail with them, providing at the same time ways to guard against them. Yet they warn that, even while you work on protecting your marriage from intruders, conflicts can and will be present.
Chapter 13 will help to deal successfully with the different types of conflict. Conflicts are not all the same. e.g. disagreeing where to go for dinner does not need ‘a confession of sin’ or an ‘apology’ from him/her. The book published a list of six common marital conflicts, and then examines each kind. They are:
- Sin of one spouse
- Immaturity or brokenness of one person
- Hurt feelings that are no-one’s fault
- Conflicting desires
- Desires of one person versus the need of the relationship
- Known versus unknown problems.
Advice is given how to deal with them, not forgetting that most people get married totally unaware of their spouse’s shortcomings.
The last two chapters of Part 3 deal with the process of how to resolve conflicts with a spouse who supports the idea of boundaries (Chapter 14), and with a spouse who is resistant to boundaries (Chapter 15).
The first – the boundary lovers – are the ones who are open to the truth, to the freedom of the other, to responsibility, and to love. If both spouses are boundary lovers, there are understandably less problems to solve when a conflict arises.
Concerning the latter, a boundary-resistant spouse can be a defensive spouse. He/she needs time to adjust to the new reality of a mate with boundaries. Once you have brought the issue into the open between you it is necessary to have the willingness and patience to see what time can do. At the same time consideration should be given to the consequences this has for your own behaviour. Question yourself if you are being unfair, overreacting or secretly trying to punish her/him, instead of doing the right thing. This is important especially if your mate protests or becomes angry with you. Mistakes can be made. And with this warning Part 4: ‘Misunderstanding Boundaries in Marriage’ is introduced.
Misuses and misconceptions often result in increased estrangement instead of increased love, and suffering is unavoidable. Boundaries are not about an escape from this suffering, nor an escape from responsibility. Suffering is a necessary part of life. In fact, the Bible teaches that suffering produces perseverance, which then produces character (Romans 5:3,4). It is possible, however, to suffer for the wrong reasons: doing the wrong and not the right thing. The authors call this “ungodly suffering”. Examples are used to make this clearer. For instance: If you have an over-spending wife, the ungodly sufferer will nag or be silent. The godly sufferer will take her credit cards away and endures her wrath. The response he gets will not be painless, but the “boundary” he sets is beneficial in the process of growth, rather than demanding that someone should change immediately. God wants to help us grow. He uses His ‘boundaries’ (love, warnings, patience, forgiveness) to encourage us to change, to mature, and become what He intended us to be. The process of growth might be difficult, but the alternative -divorce is worse.
Before talking about divorce, the authors take a brief look at how the idea of submission in marriage has been misunderstood and misused. The apostle Paul writes about this subject in Ephesians 5:22,23,25. Husbands have used – and still use – this teaching to justify control and abuse of their wives. This is not what Scripture has in mind. Basically this passage points to a sense of order in marriage. The husband is the head or the leader of the family, as Christ is the Head of the church. The wife has to submit to her husband’s leadership as we all submit to Christ’s leadership. The husband as leader should exercise his leadership in the same way Christ performed His (Philippians 2:5-8). A leader is a giving servant who is committed to seek the best for the one he is leading. A husband just telling his wife what to do is not a good leader for decisions are best made mutually. He needs her input and she needs his. The apostle Paul says: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). And if husbands are doing something evil, wives are to stand up to that evil. That is their ‘freedom’ and even their task. If spouses submit to one another in Christian love, submission will never be an issue, and divorce will be out of the question. God’s solution for desperate situations (‘I’ve had enough! I can’t take it any longer!’) is not divorce. God has always intended that everything should be done to redeem relationships and not to leave them.
The authors conclude by stating that the purpose of this book is to bring to an end ungodly suffering in a relationship. They strongly advise to examine if the boundaries set will end that suffering, and are used to bring about redemption and reconciliation as well. With God as your model, full of grace and truth, they are confident that having good boundaries in marriages can be truly achieved, and will promote your marriage to flourish.
