Paul David Tripp received his Master’s degree of divinity at Philadelphia Theological Seminary. He is a counsellor and academic dean at the Christian counselling and educational foundation in Glenside, Pennsylvania.

Paul Tripp writes his book “Age of Opportunity, A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens” from his experience as a counsellor and a father.

Tripp’s prayer is that his book will give hope, courage, and insight to thousands of parents who are entering or are in the midst of the teen years with their children.

His fervent wish is that the truths of God’s Word turn a time of anxious survival into a time of expectation and opportunity.

Paul Tripp divides his book in three parts:

Part One: Clearing the Debris.

Part Two: Setting Godly Goals, and

Part Three: Practical Strategies for Parenting Teens.

Part 1: Clearing the Debris.

In this part he deals with the survival mentality of today’s culture in regards to raising teenagers. He states the need for ridding ourselves as Christian parents of the mentality of hopelessness and despair. Tripp states in chapter one of this first part that we cannot hold on to a robust belief in the power of the Gospel if we continue to buy into our culture’s cynicism about the teen years.  He quotes 2 Timothy 2:22 where Paul exhorts Timothy to “flee the evil desires (lusts) of youth” and remarks in this context that the teenager is called to guard against the temptations that are unique to youth while the older person is called to guard against the temptations unique to his or her age. Each person whatever their age, must accept each stage of warfare as a Christian living in this fallen world. There is a battle raging in the lives of young people but it is not the battle of biology. It is an intensely spiritual battle, a battle for the heart.  This battle is not unique to teens. It takes a certain shape during the teen years but it is the battle of every sinner, the fight against the tendency to exchange worship and service of the Creator for the worship and service of the created thing.

In chapter 2 Tripp writes about the idols that have to be removed before parents are able to set godly goals. What follows are mostly direct quotes.

If we are ever to be effective for Christ in the lives of our teenager, it is important to be honest about our own idols. The cynicism of our culture toward teenagers not only reveals something about who teenagers are, but it also reveals what / who we as parents are serving. There is an important principle here that is taught all through Scripture but enunciated most clearly in Ezekiel 14:4: “This is what the Sovereign Lord says: When any Israelite sets up idols in his heart and puts a wicked stumbling block before his face and then goes to a prophet, I the Lord will answer him in keeping with his great idolatry.”  The principle revealed here is the principle of inescapable influence.  What controls my heart will control my life. An idol of the heart will always put a wicked stumbling block before my face.

Tripp is deeply persuaded that our idols have caused us to see opportunity as trial and caused us to strike back at our teenagers with bitter words of judgement, accusation, and condemnation, behaving towards them with intolerance and anger. While God is calling us to love, accept, forgive and serve, we are often barely able to be nice.

The Idol of Comfort (again a selection of direct quotes)

I am afraid that many of us live for comfort and bring this entitlement mentality to our parenting. We reason that we have the right to quiet, harmony, peace and respect and we respond in anger when we do not get it. Scripture warns us that life is far from being a resort (a place where you are the one who is served). Life is war. This is clearly demonstrated in the teen years.  I have said to my teenagers many times as they are leaving home, “There is a war out there; it is being fought on the turf of your heart.  It is being fought for the control of your soul.”

Tripp furthermore discusses the idols of respect, appreciation, success and control.

About the idol of respect. Is respect a good thing? Of course! Is it something that parents should seek to instil in their children? Yes! But it must not be the thing that controls my heart or I will personalise what is not personal. I will lose sight of my role as God’s representative, and I will fight for and demand what only God can produce.

In regards to the idol of success, Tripp remarks: “When they fail to live up to our expectations, we find ourselves not grieving for them and fighting for them, but angry at them, fighting against them, and, in fact, grieving for ourselves and our loss .We are angry because they have taken something valuable away from us, something we have come to treasure, something that has come to rule our hearts: a reputation for success. It is so easy to lose sight of the fact that these are God’s children. They do not belong to us. They are given not to bring us glory, but Him. Our teenagers are from him; they exist through Him, and the glory of their lives points to Him. We are but agents to accomplish His plan.”

In chapter 3 Tripp defines what a family is. He calls the family God’s primary learning community.

In his family definition Tripp points out that our children are in the first place covenantal beings. He remarks: “They were made to know, love, serve and obey Him. Children were not made to live autonomous, self-oriented, self-directed, and self-sufficient lives. Everything a child thinks, does and says was purposed by God to be done in loving submission to Him… This is the most foundational thing that can be said about the identity of children.”

Chapter 4 is entitled: “What is a family?  A job description.”

In this chapter Tripp writes about the family as a theological community, as a sociological community and as a redemptive community.

In regards to the family as a theological community, he states, “… we are always theologising. We are always viewing everything in reference to God: who He is, what He is doing, and what He wants us to be and do.”

And when he talks about the family as a redemptive community, he reminds his readers that,  “As the Word is held high as the standard for the family, sin will be revealed for what it is. It is only then that the message of redemption in Christ Jesus makes any sense. As the Holy Spirit works through the faithful ministry of parents who forsake their own desire for comfort and ease, proud, self-defensive, self-excusing, self-righteous children will become seekers after grace.”

“Parents meet your teenager” is the last chapter in this section. Tripp refers parents to the book of Proverbs with its wonderful descriptions of the tendencies of youth and its emphasis on the value of wisdom and the importance of correction. Tripp urges his readers to win their children for wisdom and to be a salesman for it.  “You don’t do this with nasty, inflammatory confrontations and ugly verbal power struggles. Teens tend to be defensive. They often will take our loving concern and parental help as an accusation of failure.”

Tripp has found it very helpful to do three things when teenagers are defensive.

He states: First I clarify my actions for them. I say, don’t misunderstand, I’m not accusing you of anything. I love you, I want to do everything I can to help you as you begin to move into the adult world. Don’t ever think I am against you. I am for you…

I want to be used by God to help and encourage you.

Second, I help them to examine their own defensiveness. Teenagers, like all sinners, suffer from spiritual blindness. They will not see themselves as they actually are, so they need our help… Third, I seek to be faithful in confessing my sins against my teenagers. Irritation, impatience, judgment of motives, name-calling, words of condemnation, raised voices, …all fit under the category of ‘provoking your children to anger’ and must therefore be confessed to God and to them.

Tripp furthermore discusses in this chapter some tendencies of teenagers, the tendency towards legalism, the tendency to be unwise in their choice of companions, a susceptibility to sexual temptation and an absence of eschatological perspective.

With regard to absence of eschatological perspective (a focus on eternity), Tripp remarks that teenagers are shockingly present-focused. Our culture doesn’t help them in that respect either. Rather the opposite.  “The culture around us reinforces the falsehood that life is found in present, earthly, physical treasure, and that the successful person is the one with the biggest pile.” Parents therefore need to be on site, teaching their teenagers to look at the long view of life, from the vantage point of eternity.

Part 2: Setting Godly Goals.

In the second part of his biblical guide to parenting teens, Tripp lists the following godly goals:

• Focusing on the spiritual struggle.
• Developing a heart of conviction and wisdom.
• Teaching a teenager to understand and interact redemptively with his culture.
• Developing a heart for God in your teenager.
• Preparing teenagers for leaving home.

Tripp elaborates on these godly goals in five separate chapters. In a preceding chapter, however, he first asks his readers’ attention for the immense power and grace God has provided for His children to equip them for their task as parents.

Tripp points to Ephesians 3:20 and John 17:20-23 as encouragement for the parents in what often seems a daunting and impossible task.

He reminds his readers that the God who is our Father is a God of awesome power and that this power is at work within us. Our God is a God of glorious power far beyond what our minds can conceive. We must remember that we are the children of the Almighty. He is Power. He is Strength.

In chapter 7, “There is a war out there”, Tripp discusses the goal of focusing on the spiritual struggle. He warns against the danger of misunderstanding spiritual warfare.

He states that our Christian culture has tended to misunderstand spiritual warfare by thinking of it as the more bizarre end of spiritual things. Scripture however, presents spiritual warfare not as the violent, bizarre end of Christian life but what Christian life is. Tripp refers to chapter 6 of the letter of Ephesians.  He states, “When Paul introduces the subject of spiritual warfare at the end of his letter, he is not changing the subject to talk about the dark side of spirituality. He is doing something very different. He is summarising everything he has said up to that point. Where does spiritual warfare take place?  In the body of Christ, in the marriage relationship, in the parent-child relationship, between slave and master, and in every location in the culture around us. Our teenagers need to learn how to fight the war and use the battle equipment the Lord has provided.’’

Tripp also warns parents to resist the temptation of settling for regulating behaviour. He says, “I am afraid that most parents of teenagers have the regulation of their teenagers’ behaviour as their most basic goal. They fear the three big vices of the teen years: drugs and alcohol, sex, and dropping out of school. They want to do anything they can to keep these from happening. The rules and regulations approach that focuses on keeping the teenager “out of trouble” will ultimately fail because it does not deal with the heart.  Tripp keeps reminding his readers of the importance of our awareness of a spiritual war taking place, not only horizontally but also vertically. There is a war out there. It is being fought on the turf of our teenagers’ hearts. It is fought for the control of our children’s souls.

Chapter 8 is about convictions and wisdom and deals with the second goal, the goal of developing a heart of conviction and wisdom.  Tripp explains the difference between conviction issues and wisdom issues. Conviction issues are about clear-boundary issues and situations that involve the plain commands of Scripture.

To live God’s way in these situations, a teenager needs two primary things. First, he needs to know the commands of Scripture. A teenager cannot stay inside God’s boundaries if he doesn’t know what they are. Second, he needs personal conviction, that is, a heart committed to doing God’s will regardless of the consequences.

But when a teen encounters wisdom issues, he will never solve them by treating them as if they were simple boundary issues. If he tries to do this, he will begin to lose confidence in Scripture, thinking that it does not speak clearly to these issues of his life. And then, in his lack of confidence in Scripture, he will move toward one of two extremes: legalism, that is making everything a rigid boundary issue; or foolishness, concluding that anything that is not an obvious boundary issue is unimportant and not addressed in Scripture.

If we are to teach our children wisdom we have to realise that all of life is spiritual and that Scripture speaks in some way to every situation of the human experience. Tripp points to another reason why parents fail to prepare their children well for the wisdom decisions they will face as they leave home. He attributes it to parents’ lack of a fluid, functional, situationally applicable knowledge of Scripture and concludes by saying that often our own lack of knowledge keeps us from disciplining our children to live in a biblically wise way. As a parent you cannot give what you don’t have yourself.

Chapter 9 is entitled “Life in the real world”. In this chapter Tripp writes concerning culture and the influence of culture and discusses the third goal of “teaching a teenager to understand and interact redemptively with his culture”.

People made in the image of God interact with the world God made, and culture is what results. Where there are people there is culture. However, the cultural canvas is stained with sin and until eternity, human culture will never again perfectly reflect the will of God. This is why responding to culture is so important. It is one of our primary moral struggles. Teenagers need to grow up understanding this and being prepared for it. Like the air we constantly breathe, culture is the spiritual air that our hearts constantly absorb. Many of the pollutants in the physical air are unseen. The same is true with culture.

Tripp summarises the powerful influence of culture in four areas. He states that these areas, when taken together, summarise all of life.

1. Culture will set the pace of life. The pace of life in our culture is directly related to what the culture thinks is important.  It is the direct result of a culture that has acquiring and achieving as two of its highest values.
2. Culture will set the agenda for life. An agenda is a plan. It is what we are doing and why. An agenda always expresses priorities and values. A life plan is formed by determining what is of value and designing a plan to acquire it. “Our culture is always expressing its perspective on what is important, what is of value and what is true.”
3. “Culture will define and shape our relationships. An example of the powerful influence of culture on our relationships is the radical redefinition of the family that has occurred recently“.
4. “Culture will powerfully influence our spiritual life. Culture will always exert its influence on a person’s religious or spiritual life. Either a person’s spiritual life is shaping the way he thinks about and responds to his culture, or a person’s religious or spiritual life becomes inculturated“.

In his discussion of the goal of teaching a teenager to understand and interact redemptively with his culture, Tripp states that the purpose of this goal is to raise teenagers in such a way that they are fully able to interact with their culture without becoming enslaved to its idols. And the aim of the interaction is not personal pleasure and satisfaction, but redeeming their culture for Christ. (Matthew 5:13-16, which speaks about the salt of the earth and the light of the world).

Tripp mentions five strategies for preparing our teenagers to interact redemptively with their culture.

1. Prepare.  The first step is to instil in our teenagers a biblical view of life. The aim of all family Bible instruction must be that our children would be “thoroughly equipped for every good work”(2 Tim. 3:17).
2. Test. In this step we teach our teenagers to critique, evaluate, interpret, and analyse the surrounding culture from a biblical perspective. This is why they must first be well-grounded in their knowledge of biblical truth.
3. Identify. The struggles of life in this fallen world are the universal experience of all people. The cries of the angry rock performer are our cries as well. We teach our children to recognise common ground. It is the recognition of this common ground that moves us toward ministry to the culture. And to this common ground we are called to bring the message of the Gospel.
4. Decide. “We want to teach our teenagers how to know when they can be redemptive participants in their culture and when they must separate from it. Use the opportunities to prepare your teenagers to respond with biblical wisdom to the many choices they will face“.
5. Redeem. “The Church of Jesus Christ, the Christian family, was never meant to exist as an isolated ghetto in the middle of a darkened and broken culture. We are called by Christ to be participants in the world as his agents of redemption.”

 

Chapter 10: A heart for God.

This chapter deals with the fourth goal, developing a heart for God in your teenager.

What do we want for our children?  A good education, a suitable and satisfying job, a loving marriage, healthy children, etc.? If we could wish one thing for our children, what would it be?

In Psalm 27 David captures what should be the paramount focus of all our parenting efforts, the desire to develop in our children a heart for God.

It is a sad reality that many children leaving Christian homes do not have a heart for God. What has gone wrong? Tripp gives the following answers to this poignant question. The first reason is familiarity. We take things for granted. We are incredibly rich by the standards of the rest of the world, yet we do not live with a sense of privilege. The same goes for our spiritual life. Somehow we need to break through the ordinariness that characterises Christianity for our teenagers. We need to help them appreciate what a gracious privilege it is to be born into a family of faith.

The second reason has to do with our lifestyle. We need to recognise how our lifestyle of separation, affects our ability to nurture our teenagers as God has called us to do.

Tripp contrasts our lifestyle of separation with the old agrarian lifestyle of Deuteronomy 6, where the family was together all the time.

The third reason is hypocrisy. Children whose parents have vocalised a strong commitment to their faith but have not lived consistently with it will tend to despise that faith. Living consistently with the faith does not mean living perfectly, but living in a way that reveals that God and His Word are the most important things to you.

At the end of the chapter (as in chapter 9) Tripp lists several strategies for encouraging a heart for God.

Part Three: Practical Strategies for parenting Teens

In the concluding part of his book Tripp discusses three strategies for parenting teens.

Strategy 1: Project parenting.

Project parenting means being focused, being purposeful, and being goal-oriented in our day-by-day encounters with our teenagers. It means we will parent with prepared spontaneity; we will come to those unexpected, spontaneous moments of parenting with preparedness and purpose.

Strategy 2: Constant conversation.

Why do our teenagers need constant (daily) conversation?

Tripp refers to Hebrews 3:12-13 in answer to above question.

“See to it brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”

Strategy 3: Leading your teenager to repentance.

The first step in this strategy is consideration. As God’s agents, we need to ask ourselves, “What does God want my teenager to see about himself that he is not seeing? How can I help him to see these things?”

The second step is confession. As parents we have to refrain from making their confessions for them, instead we have to lead them into making their own confessions

The third step in leading our teenagers to repentance is commitment.

This commitment must be to God and to the appropriate people. It must involve a turning of the heart as well as changed behaviour.

The final step of the repentance process is change. True repentance will always result in concrete changes in the teenager’s life.

“Small steps to big change”, is the last chapter of the book in which the writer gives practical pointers to be effective as a Christian parent.